My Thorn

I am sharing a poem i wrote some years ago which i have in a journal. this poem is about the most sad and challenging time of my life. keep in mind, i know there are those who have been through much, much worse circumstances and events of their own...i can think of 2 women right off the top of my head. but this is about where i was at this time of my life and how it still affects me today. i don't like reading it because it takes me straight back to that place. and for me, that place is full of sadness, loneliness, guilt, remorse, regret and dread. it was when my son was small, a toddler, and i had been divorced from his dad. i had already been through a couple visits with a therapist who had prescribed lithium for my "rage" issues. i was severely depressed and had considered suicide on one occasion because i actually believed the lie that my baby would be better off without me. i simply could not envision living my life without my son 3-4 days a week. i was trying my best to deal with life as it was and some days were good; the ones when my baby was home, and some days were really bad; the ones where he was with his dad and God knows who else (because i sure didn't). i shared custody with his dad which meant he was with me saturday at 2pm until wednesday evening at 7pm, when i would go out to work midnights. so that meant i dropped him off at one of the ex-in-law's house on my way to work, cry all the way to work, put my nurse face on and work the next three in a row til 7am saturday morning. i would come home, take a nap and pick my son up at 2pm at another location, sometimes from his dad & sometimes not. this went on for years, until my son was old enough to drive himself. the visitation "schedule" went on until he was about 17 and decided for himself when and where he wanted to be. until then, i dreaded every wednesday evening. EVERY wednesday evening. so that's a backdrop to this poem. it may mean something else to you, which is great. you may be able to feel this about something you've experienced in your own life. but let me finish with this...i did pull through. by God's grace and the love of a good man. i am living testimony to the fact that God WILL give you back so much more than what you've lost. maybe not the way you expect, but He has a way of replacing your ashes with beauty. and for the record...my "therapy" was a fail. i only got more self-pitiful and angry. i took one dose of lithium and decided medication wasn't for me. i turned to my Lord and over time, He turned pitiful into powerful. and grateful. here's my poem:

My Thorn

there you are again

an old familiar pain

that never gets too dull

that i can't feel you fresh again

all it takes is one thought

a memory or two

an instance in a moment

and i'm there again with you

i'm back in quiet times

when love was real and pure

when life was more simple

no separation to endure

there was no wednesday comin

the day of dread and sadness

when you'll try to drown me

in a shallow pool of madness

my dream's interrupted

enter the big divide

when my heart is torn from me

and love and hate collide

we're here together now

in a place that's dark and void

there's no purpose or no reason

nothing happy. no life. no joy.

just us and my thoughts

ridin out another couple days

pressin on through the deep

until my joy returns again

you'd think that time would ease you

you'd be spent with nothing left

at least that's what i'm hoping

as i lose another piece of myself

so just like weeks gone by

that have turned into months and years

i'll numb you down again

and wipe away my tears